W. Does Slick Willy / 4.7 Cousin Gerard

Alex: Good morning, students and faculty of Lynbrook University.

As you know, each week you are required to watch an episode

of Everybody Loves Raymond.

This week's episode is season four, episode seven.

Cousin Gerard.

I forgot the name of it.

Uh, Ray's annoying cousin Gerard is hired by Marie to help Ray with his book.

Ray's entire family starts to see that Ray has many of the

same annoying traits as Gerard.

And Ray decides to work on Gerard while trying to make himself feel better.

We recommend watching the show as soon as possible to prepare

for what you are about to hear.

Also, would anyone like to purchase a 2013 Toyota Venza?

I need an offer by the end of today, and I am desperate.

Adam: Hello?

Can I come in?

Uh, hey, Bob.

Uh, leave it at the door, thanks.

Mike: Alex, it's Bob.

Bob, we gave you a key.

You don't have to knock.

It's your room.

Adam: I was just, I just wanted to make sure that everyone was decent, you know.

Um, I just have been burned too many times, you know.

Um, it's sort of my lot in life.

Mike: Very, very kind of you, Bob.

But listen, okay, so this is like, the end of your first week here, and you've

been, you've been, you've been pretty good here, but, you know, I, uh, okay.

Look, we like you, Bop, but you gotta put your underwear away, okay?

I, I, this clothesline is not, like, it's not option, it's not a, This

isn't a space where you can just put your underwear on clotheslines.

We, we have a dryer for that.

Adam: Well, I, I saw the hooks on the walls, and, and once I moved the string

lights out of the way, there was space to hang my clothesline, and I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, with, with my Indigestion.

It's just, I really need to soak 'em.

I just Wait, hang on.

The problem is I soak 'em and then I gotta soak 'em.

So Robert, you soak to soak.

You've been

Alex: living here for Robert.

Hang on.

You've been living here for a week?

It's been about a week.

Yeah.

I, I, Mike, side, side sideline.

Mike: Sorry, Bob.

Alex: Uh, if Robert's been here for a week, how come I'm only

meeting him right this second?

Mike: I, have you been in the room?

This week is like, he's been here.

The university has like, uh, you know, made it, did they over, they over

enrolled and so like, you know, they got to give fourth roommates to people

and I guess we're the lucky ones.

So yeah, he's, I don't know how you've.

Avoided him.

He's been killing me.

Hey, hey, Robert.

Sorry, Bob.

Yeah, here, here you go,

Adam: Mike.

Here, I folded it.

They're still a little damp, but I folded them and, and here's the line.

So, you can just show me where to hang them up, and I'll hang

them up in the proper place.

I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

Alex: Uh, so, Robert, what do you What are you majoring in?

Adam: I'm, uh, well, I'm undecided at the moment, unfortunately.

I'm just sort of taking it, you know, my first week here at Lindbergh University

and I'm, I'm really excited to, uh, you know, get to know the campus, get to

know the academic offerings and, and what's available and, you know, I've been

known to sort of be a little indecisive.

Then jump around from job to job and major to major and last name to last name.

So it's just a little hard to, to land on something, you know, but I'll get there.

I'll get there.

Alex: Really?

Uh, Alex looks at Mike and then back at Robert.

Can I ask you something?

Might be, that might be a little personal.

Of course.

What is your opinion on the French?

Adam: Well, don't, don't this, this should stay in this room, but

I fricking hate the French, Alex.

I freaking hate them so much.

Oh, you don't say.

Yeah, they have, I've had enough run ins with, let's just say, I can't go

to Paris, France, and I can't even go to Paris, Texas, after all the

trouble I've gotten into with them.

Alex: Right, absolutely.

Mike: Well, I've, I've seen, I've seen Paris, and I've seen France.

I'm still confused as to why I'm holding your underpants.

Adam: I, you said that you would dry them for me?

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Mike.

I'm so sorry.

I'll take them back.

I'll just put them away.

I'll put them away wet, and thank you for sharing your drawer with me.

That's so kind.

Down the hall,

Mike: there's a dryer.

There's like, you could like put them in the dryer.

A

Adam: dryer what?

Mike: Like machine, you put it in, it goes like the tumble.

Adam: Goes like the tumble.

Mike: The tumble.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You put it in.

You said makes them all hot and warm.

Alex: Oh

Adam: my god, like

Mike: Bob, Bob, come here, come here.

You see, you see the sign that says washer slash dryer?

Adam: Yeah, I assumed that was a place where I could get small metal discs for

putting in between screws and holes.

And then something else

Mike: You use that to like clean your laundry and then dry your laundry.

You could, you could, you could use that.

Alex: Wow, Robert, you also co You also comedically misunderstand

the meaning of things sometimes.

That's uh That's, that's really, that's nice.

Comedically.

I relate to that one.

Adam: I'm not funny.

Alex: Oh my god.

I guess you're not.

Um, tell you what, uh, where'd you move from, Robert?

Adam: Well, actually, I was born and raised in Lynbrook my whole life.

I I, I, I lived at, uh, you know, on Catalpa for, for most of my life, uh, and,

uh, beautiful little house, backing up against another house, uh, I never got a

chance to look over that fence, though.

I don't know what was over on that other side.

Yeah, yeah.

And that house, and that house mysteriously burned down a couple

years ago, and then, I don't know what happened to that family.

I think they went into witness protection or something.

Alex: How old are you now, Robert?

I'm,

Adam: well, let's see, I graduated in 1984 from college the first time,

so that would put me in my 60s, 70s.

Alex: Oh my god.

Adam: Mike, sidebar.

Mike: Uh, yeah, go, go ahead and, you're 70 years old, you've

never used a dryer before.

Go, go check it out, go see if you can figure it out.

Adam: Hey, come on.

Fine, do you have any wet things that you want me to take for you?

Mike: Nope, I'll take care of my own wet stuff.

Thank you very much, Bob.

Adam: Okay, I'll be right back, fellas.

Alex: Oh my god, Mike, this is kind of freaky, don't you think?

Mike: That guy sucks, doesn't he?

Yeah,

Alex: but that wasn't my point.

What do you mean?

Dude, he's, he's exactly Like you.

Mike: No, he's not.

Get the fuck out of here.

What are you talking about?

Oh, think about it.

Hey,

Adam: guys.

Hey, Mike, you left your sopping wet boxer briefs in my, uh, On used

as a pillowcase on my pillow again.

I'm gonna need you to take these out,

Mike: please.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, Adam.

I just, I keep I keep forgetting that.

Sorry about that.

Adam: Wait, what's going on out here?

I was in the zone.

I was listening to some, um, heavy drum and bass music from the 90s.

Uh, in my room I couldn't hear a thing.

Mike and Robert Mike and Robert are Exactly the same.

The same person.

No, they're exactly the same.

I noticed that the in.

No, you're not.

Alex: Mike, think about it.

No, wait.

Think about it.

The boxer thing.

The French thing.

You're both not funny.

I guarantee you he had a moment.

He had like a whole like flat earth phase.

I guarantee it.

Adam: Andy tearfully confided in me that he was, he's never

felt the touch of a woman.

So,

I mean, you're wearing that t shirt.

Alex: Mike, why are you crying?

You guys could be brothers.

Mike: Okay, first of all, first of all, we are nothing alike.

The boxer brief is a mistake that could happen to anybody.

He's a, I give him this, he's a smart, logical person, so of course

he has that opinion on the French.

Third of all, I don't, uh, I, I told you not to tell anybody about that, I've,

I've, I've, I've moved on, I've, I've, I've sexed so many people, you don't,

you don't under, that's just, anyway.

Adam: Wait, did you say sexed as in past tense of having sex, or sexted?

Cause you, you got, you were like top of Anthony Wiener's contact list, right?

I'm sorry, Carlos Stanger?

Mike: Uh, both of them actually.

Adam: You, you were in a

Mike: group text with both

Adam: of them.

Mike: Yeah, they were just, they were just sending, they thought,

they thought I was their third.

I guess I'm, I guess I'm number neighbors.

Like the third.

And so they thought they were sending the pictures and everybody was in on it

and I was just too scared to say anything because I was just getting dick pics

left, right, and all over the place.

It was, uh, yeah.

Adam: It was so embarrassing when I went with you to the doctor and they

asked if you were sexually active and you said well I just lost my

virginity by being in a group text with Anthony Wiener and Carlos Stanger.

Mike: And the doctor gave me a high five which was the weirdest thing.

Weirdest part.

Adam: Yeah, and then you aced the depression test, is that right?

You got the highest score they've ever seen.

Wow, congrats.

Yeah, I nailed it,

Mike: I don't understand.

Yeah, I mean, it was pretty, pretty clear, you just answered truthfully.

But, but like, again, I don't, the point here is that Bob sucks, okay?

And I don't have anything to do with it.

You guys are making a whole big, whole big thing about it.

Bob is annoying, he's intrusive, and yeah, he's no good, he's no

Alex: good.

He's you!

Adam: He's you, he's hapless, he's uh, you know, he fell down the

stairs like three times when I was showing him where his classes were.

Mike: Well, those stairs are tricky.

Adam: We flashback to a montage.

Uh, with yackety sacks under it of Mike falling down every staircase on campus.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, exactly, like, come on, like, those are, those are

pretty tough, like, not for nothing.

Adam: Okay, I mean, maybe it's just a coincidence, maybe it's just, you

know, he's Putting this foot forward to ingratiate him, so I mean it's hard

when you're coming into an established roommate dynamic and you're the first,

you know, the fourth roommate and You're just trying to make friends, you know

Maybe as he settles in we'll see another side of him and you know You won't find

him so annoying or similar to you anymore.

Maybe

Mike: I again I don't know about the other thing, but I just, guys, like, come on.

He's a total pushover.

Like the only thing that, that he has going for him is that

people like to make fun of him.

So like, that's why he has friends that like hang around, like, come on.

It's, it sucks.

It sucks.

I just,

Alex: yeah, I guess you got a point.

Adam: Um, shut up, Mike.

Uh, Alex, let's go into the other room here for a second.

I want to show you some.

Drum and bass music from the 90s.

You stay here, Mike.

Alex: Okay, no problem.

Oh, I hate drum and bass music from the 90s.

Adam: No,

Alex: no, you'll Mike, don't let Robert touch any of my shit.

Adam: You'll like this, Alex.

You'll like this.

Okay.

Hey, Mike, I I'm back.

That Oh, okay.

As you can see, I think I did the dryer wrong.

All of my clothes have shrunk and cinched around my body, and I look

like I'm wearing my child's clothes because I fell into the dryer myself.

I didn't know jeans could shrink this much.

Oh!

Mike: Mm hmm.

Yeah, I mean, that's, that's something you really gotta be on the

On the lookout for with the draw.

I guess I should have probably warned you about that, but yeah, um,

oh don't touch that That's Alex's.

Adam: What is it?

Let me see this.

What is this?

Mike: No, that's that's a that's that's Alex's It says right there property

of Alex said don't touch his shit.

So you can't touch Alex's shit.

Give me that

Alex: Hey Mike hands off my shit.

Hey, sorry Alex.

My bad

Adam: Alex come back We're about to get into the best of prodigy get in here I do

Alex: like pro okay.

Adam: You do like prodigy.

Um, Mike, anyway, um, You said you were gonna show me where that class

is that we signed up for together.

Mike: Oh, right.

Right, yeah, the um, the, the history of the French Revolution

I mean, I was just gonna go there and shout nice from the back.

Wait, what?

Yeah, the history of the French Revolution I was just, I just signed up so I could

sit in the back and Shout nice every time a guillotine drops, but you know, that's

Adam: is that do they do do they do live guillotining in the class?

Mike: They got videos of it and everything.

No, no, no, no kids are getting guillotined.

That would be ridiculous What

Adam: class is this where they're showing snuff films from the French Revolution?

Mike: The history of the French Revolution.

You just don't get it.

I just thought it was pretty But

Adam: look, we're, we're gonna be late.

We should, we should Yeah, let's,

Mike: let's start, let's start going.

Let's start going.

Can I,

Adam: can I borrow some clothes?

Mike: Yeah, here.

Uh, uh, you got this, Eddie.

You'd better be Oh!

That's an ex It's an exact fit.

That's, that's actually uncanny.

Yeah, this,

Adam: this fits me better than anything I've ever worn before.

Do you mind if I try on your pants as well?

Mike: Okay, yeah, here.

I got like three of them, so you can, you can take one.

Do you

Adam: mean you're wearing three or you own three?

Mike: No, I own three pants.

I'm wearing one.

You can have one and I got a third left over for, for Later,

Adam: okay.

Thank you.

Let me just pull these off.

Oh my god This is a perfect fit and it's the exact right amount of

room in the crotch and everything.

This is incredible Wait a second.

Is this my driver's license in your pocket?

Oh, no.

Wait.

This is your non driver ID card

Mike: Yeah, yeah,

Adam: you really got to get a real ID, you know, they keep pushing the deadline

back But I think anytime now they're actually gonna start enforcing that

Mike: Nah, no way, no way, they're not gonna, they can't be, don't

ever keep, don't ever keep trying to make me I mean it doesn't,

Adam: doesn't matter for me, doesn't matter for me, I'm on the

no fly list anyway for screaming at a, at a flight attendant.

Huh,

Mike: you too?

Huh.

But,

Adam: let's go.

Mike: Yeah, let's, let's walk, let's walk, let's walk and talk.

Adam: They, they walk out of the dorm room and immediately fall

down the stairwell together.

Mike: And they, they make the exact same sounds and you never see them again.

Oof, ow, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Ah, ah,

Adam: ah, ah, ah.

So, class, as you see from the video, um, this was the very last execution

to take place in France in 1971, uh, outside the premiere of Star Wars.

Nice!

Mike, please sit down.

I've asked you to please stop shouting out during ze class.

Don't make me send Cosette back there.

My TA Cosette, as you all know.

I will kill him.

She will beat you with the baguette.

Just like she did with, um, Lewis when he brought his, took his phone

out in class and didn't silence it.

Alex: I still can't feel my face.

Adam: That's right, across the face.

But Mike, I think for you it would be across zee ass.

Um, just because based on how you filled out the the form at

the start of the semester, you indicated a preference for zee ass.

Yes, that's right.

And remember students, remember students, don't tell the college about this class.

This is not strictly.

We're watching snuff films and you're being spanked with baguettes.

It's really not Complete.

I'm not even I'm not even French guys.

I should just come out and say it.

I'm not French I'm from the backwoods of Tennessee.

I'm crazy I'm crazy.

I'm just a weird guy.

Okay So let's all just level set here and and be on the same page.

All right Anyway, I'm gonna put my accent back on Uh, Cosette, you know, just get

that baguette at the ready for back.

You've got

Mike: it, boss!

I mean, I kill him.

This is Are

Adam: all the classes like this, Mike?

This is unhinged.

Mike: I

Adam: mean, all the good ones are.

Is this college in some sort of heightened reality where, like, you know, the

laws of physics don't super apply and, like, celebrities from the 90s

show up at, like, random intervals or

Mike: Where'd you go to high school?

Adam: Well, I went to Yeah,

Mike: you didn't, you didn't, you don't remember that?

Cosette down there was like, Cosette was our, was my trig teacher.

I don't, you know, it's like, it's, it's, it's pretty much a pipeline.

Adam: My, I, uh, was actually really bad at math and had to use a calculator to

even do a basic average of three numbers.

So That sucks

Mike: to be you, Bob.

I mean, seriously, that's uh, That's really tough.

Adam: You do have a point.

I remember when the cast of the Drew Carey show came to school and

beat you up in front of everybody.

Mike: Smash cut back.

Call and mockery.

Oh, Ryan.

Adam: Ryan, we see Ryan Stiles about to curb stomp Mike in

front of the high school.

So anyway, class, uh.

As I was saying before, I was so rudely interrupted by Mike, um, This was the

last execution to take place in France.

It was in 1971, also as the premiere of Star Wars.

It was a publicity stunt that also happened to coincide with the death

sentence for this man, uh, Pierre.

I mean, you can guess.

It's some French last name.

It doesn't matter.

So, who would like to, uh, say the role of Pierre?

And who would like to say the role of the executioner?

And who would like to play George Lucas?

We're going to have a little bit of an act out.

I see Mike's hand is raised, but I'm really, I'm hedging.

And I don't really want to call on Mike.

Okay, Mike's friend.

You can call on me.

Mike's friend can come up here.

You can play Pierre.

Um Uh, Mike, hold on.

Anyone, anyone else?

Sorry, got a little germ in there.

Anyone else who wants to be in the I'll do it!

Okay!

Yes, one of our senior students.

Thanks!

Norman, uh, Norman, you can come up here.

And you'll be the executioner, so, uh, Mike's friend, put

your head in, in ze hole.

I've never heard that before.

Um, and, fine.

Mike, you can, you can play George Lucas.

Come on up here.

Aw, yeah!

Alright, close your eyes.

I'm gonna give you a quick spray with the silver, the silver spray paint.

Okay, I said close your eyes.

So that's My,

Mike: my, my eyes gotta be, gotta be silver

Adam: too.

Yeah, they are bright red and bleeding.

So we're, this is gonna have to be a quick one.

But okay, Cosette, we're gonna roll.

Here's your scripts, everyone.

Class, follow along.

Page 67 in ze book.

Um, and I'm sorry for shooting all of those people, but I don't regret

it, and I'm gonna get executed.

Alex: Let's execute him!

Uh,

Mike: guys, that Luke Skywalker guy is pretty cool, huh?

Who do you think his dad is?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Adam: And remember, class, this is accurate.

This is historically accurate.

George Lucas watched this execution take place and sort of plugged The Empire

Strikes Back, uh, before it came out.

I also said 1971, which I'm realizing is way too early.

There's a typo in the textbook.

I think 77, so if everyone could just draw a little extra line in

the textbook there, thank you.

Okay.

Sir, I don't know this Luke Skywalker, but please tell me who his father is.

Mike: Oh, I don't know.

I was just asking for speculation.

Do you think he has any brothers or sisters?

That would be an interesting little tip.

That'd be pretty cool, right?

Adam: What if, what if you introduced a character who, Professor, I don't

think, What if you introduced a character in this movie who then turned out to

be his sister in the subsequent movie even though they kiss and it seems

like they've got some romantic tension.

Professor, I don't think this actually happened.

I don't

Mike: think Drop the axe, he knows too much!

Ah!

Adam: It's a classic stage guillotine where there's actually

no, uh, blade in the center.

It just drops down around his head.

Um, Oh my God.

I thought that was actually going to cut my head off.

Professor.

I really don't, don't think this is historically accurate.

I don't think the guy, the last ever guillotine.

Execution in France gave George Lucas the idea to make Luke Skywalker and

Princess Leia brother and sister.

I just don't Yeah,

Mike: the script later on goes and talks about a jar of jar of things.

Oh yeah, it's not over, it's not

Adam: over, it's gonna keep going.

We've got a lot to get through class.

Mike: He's got, he's got a lot to say about, about the mid chlorians or what.

Yeah, midichlorians.

Yeah, yeah.

Did he just, how public was this execution?

Adam: Uh, very, very.

It was in front of, it was on the red carpet in front of everybody.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, don't worry about that.

Oh, class, it looks like, uh, we really gotta get going.

Uh, the actual class that's scheduled for now is going to come in, so just gather up

everything and, and don't leave any trace.

Uh, we cut to, uh, a little bit later.

Uh, the professor and Cosette are walking across campus.

I think they almost caught us.

Um, I, I don't Want anyone to know.

Shh!

Alex: They will never know.

Adam: They just can't find out that George Lucas is doing a sort of

guerrilla, sort of, uh, mind retconning thing, where he goes around and tries

to pass off blame for the failures of Star Wars, uh, all the unpopular

choices that I made, pass them off as the idea of some Frenchman guillotined.

It's just, it That was close.

I feel like they started picking up on it in this reading.

Alex: Sir, you're trying too hard.

George Lucas doesn't really get any flack for the fall of Star Wars anymore.

Adam: I don't know.

I still hear it from every time I'm walking down the street.

I still hear

Alex: it.

Well, with the Disney acquisition, I feel like people have turned

a blind eye to what he did.

Adam: I getcha.

Well, look, we gotta get to Hofstra.

Uh, we gotta do the same thing.

I I really think every college around the country There's work to be done.

There's much work to be done, and and thank you for for

helping me out, by the way.

Um, I know your career sort of dried up after you played Anakin Skywalker,

and it was really tough for you, so I appreciate you, like, coming

back and and helping me with that.

This, you know, sort of fucked you over and everything.

Yeah,

Alex: it's no problem.

Adam: And you really showing range with the characters that we do.

I think next one we should do like, you know, I'll be like Macron's brother.

And like, you can be a mime if you want, you know, vocal rests.

You know, you're talking about maybe toning down the accents a little bit.

Alex: Yeah, that'd be really cool, man.

I'd be down for that.

All right.

Okay

Mike: No, no, no Guys get over here.

Adam: I'll shoot.

I'll shoot him.

I'll shoot him.

He grabbed I will Shoot him.

Hey,

Mike: what the hell?

I, uh, what are we getting open on season two?

Adam: We do a, um, like fast motion camera backs away from this scene on the quad

of George Lucas taking Hayden Christensen hostage as he's being surrounded by campus

security and a bunch of other students.

And we zoom back to, uh, Robert Barone Hall, Robert Barone Memorial Hall,

as we've established, um, where.

Uh, Mike and Robert are going to their next class.

So are all the classes like that, Mike?

It seems a little stressful to go to school here if they're all

Mike: I mean, the good ones are, for sure.

I mean, there are some boring ones, you know?

But like Yeah, I mean, what else are you gonna do?

Cause like, we come to college for a fun time, and it seems like

you're really interested in like, getting good grades and stuff, and

Adam: Not really.

Mike: Oh, no?

Adam: Not really, if I if I can be honest with you, I'm just here because, well

Alright, this is gonna sound crazy.

Let's huddle in this bush here, so

Mike: There's no one around, we could like sit on the bench

Adam: No, let's huddle in this bush, come here, come here

Alex: Oh, sorry, I was using this bush, I'll, I'll just use a different one

Mike: Hey, no, no, no, you can, you can stay there Jerry, we'll,

we'll, we'll go to the, we'll go to the one over there Yeah, you,

Adam: you were here first, you were here first, so sorry Bush,

Mike: bush rules, bush rules

Alex: Okay, thanks, Mike.

He says clearly to Robert as he goes back into the bush.

Adam: All right, let's get it let's get in this bush.

So listen, this is gonna sound really crazy But I don't want to kiss you.

I I don't want to I'm not attracted to you.

I actually find you really unattractive

Mike: Ouch,

Adam: yeah, okay.

I mean just you're just mopey, you know, why don't you try smiling a little bit?

Mike: Okay Can't all right see what you were gonna say cuz I got thoughts

on that But I want to I want to hear what you brought me into this bush for

Adam: Okay, so last season I walked off a pier and drowned, and I went to hell.

Oh no.

And I made a deal with the devil to come back to earth, if I And he would let

me come back and have another chance at life, if I had sex with somebody.

Mike: How's that going?

Adam: So So that's why I'm at college.

And it's not going well.

I know that sounds crazy.

Mike: But, you know, You know, but believe it or not, it's not as crazy as it sounds.

Listen, okay.

I don't know what you think of me.

You said you don't think that I'm, that I'm attractive, but I'm telling you

right now, I am crushing Vag day in and

Adam: day out.

Mike: So I, so I'm going to, you've got to teach me Mike.

Adam: You've got to teach me.

I'm going

Mike: to.

All right.

So we got to like.

I want you to roll your shoulders back, roll your shoulders back, and

we're gonna, we're gonna teach this.

First of all, first of all, lose the glasses, okay?

You got, you got those huge Coke bottle glasses, you gotta get rid of them.

Okay, how well can you see?

Adam: Not great, I, I really need them, they're trifocals.

Mike: You got the tries too, huh?

Alright, um, okay.

Put them back on.

We can make that work.

Alex: Hey, excuse me, Mike.

Are you okay?

Why are you just sitting in a bush talking to a mirror?

Mike: Jim?

Jim?

I'm in the middle of something here.

Do you can

Adam: I think his name might have been Jerry, Mike.

Mike: Oh, okay.

Adam: I'll see ya.

Oh, that's a different guy.

Yeah, I'm

Alex: still over here.

Adam: There are a lot of bushes on this campus.

There's three.

There's one more right here, fellas.

That's right, I'm giving the commencement address.

Bill?

Alex: Clinton.

Adam: No!

Alex: I was thinking Bill too.

Mike: George, you're carrying the saxophone around.

I don't know.

Well,

Adam: okay.

Everyone, come out of the bush.

George, come here, come here.

Okay.

What do you think of this?

Well,

Mike: we'll talk, we'll talk later, Bob.

Adam: What do you think of this?

W's tribute to Clinton.

W's tribute to Slick Willy.

I'm doing a couple different tests in different markets.

I'm gonna give your commencement address this year.

I'm gonna do W's tribute to Slick Willy.

I'm gonna come out in sunglasses.

Alex: Hey man, that sounds real good, alright?

I'll tell you what.

And you know what?

You got your good buddy Barack Obama behind you on this one.

Yeah, this is

Adam: This is Jeb.

I begged him not to do the face, but

Mike: Jeb,

I have a question.

Um, first of all, thank you for coming here, but why are you coming here?

I just, look, this is the Limburg commencement address, and I don't think

either of you have deep ties to Limburg or Long Island or New York in general, and

I just, this seems a little out of place.

Adam: Well, like I said, we're doing a tour of different colleges.

We're trying out this double act.

W does Slick Willy.

Obama

Mike: does W. Oh, Obama does W. Well, Jeb,

Adam: Obama, in quotes, does W. And it's, we're going to get

all the I'm a little confused.

Mike: Hold on, I'm a little confused.

Alright, alright, alright, alright.

I lost my tri focus.

I can't see.

Is that guy behind you, is that Jeb Bush and a Barack Obama face paint, or is that

Barack Obama and Jeb Bush face paint?

I can't really tell from where I'm standing.

Adam: Don't misunderestimate me, Mike.

This is, I'm organizing a variety show.

Mike: Bob, did you hear that?

W knows me by name.

Adam: You're wearing that name tag.

Mike: Oh, I'm sorry.

I keep forgetting.

Adam: I'm putting together a variety show.

My pitch is this variety show where all the presidents do an act in the

character of the previous president.

So I'm doing Slick Willy.

Slick Willy was gonna do my dad, but he is not given a firm commitment yet.

Obama gave me a hard no.

So, I figured, next best thing was, I've got Jeff, just, just for the,

like, to put in front of executives.

So, like, we can, like, get some momentum behind it and then

maybe Obama will be into it.

Trump!

Really wanted to do Obama.

I said absolutely not.

We're not there yet.

We're doing a moratorium on, like, last five years.

Mike: So Jeb, no, okay, so Jeb is doing, is dressing up as Obama

so that his Obama can play you.

You play Slick Willy.

Is Biden doing Trump or is that, is that no good?

Cause I feel

Adam: like that would be No, no, moratorium.

Moratorium.

Moratorium.

No, no current, no current, no most recent, we're just

doing president emerituses.

So starting, except for Trump.

So starting with Obama, going back to, I mean, theoretically we could do Carter

does Ford, I don't think he's up for it.

Mike: Smash cut to a peanut farm.

Beep, beep, I'm Ford.

I can do it.

W. W, let me on.

I'm, I'm, I'll kill it.

Adam: You know what, Jimmy?

Yeah?

I think you will.

You know what?

I'm gonna fly you up.

I know, I know.

I'm gonna fly

you up to Lynbrook, and you're

Adam: gonna come do the commencement with me and Jeb.

Mike: We would love to.

Jimmy Carter Peanut Farm would love to sponsor the, the, the tour.

Could you put, could you put it on the backburner?

Adam: Wait, Jimmy, let me get on the same page with you.

Yeah, do you want to be in the show?

Oh, or do you just want to sponsor?

Mike: I wanna be in the show, but it would also be really good advertising, so I'd

like to have the back thing say, Brought to you by the Jimmy Carter Peanut Farm,

Adam: and then

Mike: I'm

Adam: there.

The back thing?

Do you mean we should be wearing, like, jerseys or something?

What do you mean the back thing?

Mike: The back,

Adam: like the, the, like the proscenium of the stage.

, Mike: that's a big word, but, yeah.

I didn't know you knew that.

Could you w Yeah, I'm

Adam: proscenium too.

Yeah.

Mike: W Could you spell proscenium for me?

Right here.

Adam: P-R-O-S-S-E-N-I-U-M.

Cini.

Mike: I, I don't know if that's right, but I don't believe you

Adam: Well, Jimmy, I gotta be honest.

People might think you're double dipping a little bit.

I think you, if you're gonna be on the show, you gotta divest

from that peanut farm again.

I know it was tough back in the seventies, but you, you got, you gotta be kidding.

Mike: You gotta be kidding me.

I can't.

You gotta play.

Adam: For right now, the show is me and Jeb doing Obama and Slick Willie.

Well, Jeb is playing the role of Obama, playing me.

I'm playing Slick Willie.

I got the dress.

I got the, I'm gonna roll out.

If I can get the Rockettes, I'm gonna have them sit in like the Senate

Judiciary Committee around me so that I can say, depends on what the

definition of is is and all the hits, but they're also not returning my calls.

Mike: Okay.

Um, at any point are you gonna give the graduates, like, advice, or do

any of the things that are associated

Adam: with commencement?

No, this is purely, no, we're doing it at 15, and then we're getting off the stage.

We will accept honorary doctorates, and by we, I mean me and Jeb, not, it's, we're

not Carrying them to other presidents.

Mike: Will the honorary doctorate

Adam: I'm Jeb.

Mike: Yeah, thank you, Jeb.

Will the honorary

Adam: doctorate Will the hon I know what you're gonna ask.

Is the honorary doctorate Jeb's gonna receive gonna say Barack Obama?

Or Obama?

And the answer is, I think that's gonna vary by institution and the how

good the lighting is in the venue at the time and whether we can fool them.

Because, you know, fool me once.

Fool them once, shame on them.

Fool them twice, won't get fooled again.

That's a classic Bushism right there.

Mike: Mr. President, uh, yeah, I, I, I want to be clear.

I'm appreciative of your time here.

I was in the middle of a conversation with my buddy.

Why, why do you want to paint me?

What are you asking me to be painted for?

I don't know, what, what's going on here?

Adam: You know, I paint people.

I paint mostly veterans who are haunted by the scars of war, and I

just see a deadness in your eyes.

Have you been to hell?

You've been there too?

He has been to hell.

Oh yeah, I have been to hell.

Mike: I kind of figured you were going.

I didn't I didn't know you were getting a preview.

Adam: Yeah, I got the, I got an open house at hell.

When you're the president, you get like advance notice of whether you're

going It's true, it happens to all of us, we all know, I'll run them down.

Carter, heaven big time.

Reagan, hell.

Mike: HW,

Adam: HW, heaven marginal.

Slick Willy, hell.

Me, hell.

Obama, heaven.

Trump, hell.

Biden is already in heaven.

He's just astral projecting down to our plane.

So can I paint you?

It's not gonna be good.

Just let him paint you, man.

Mike: The

Adam: terms are I get to paint you, but Jeb, you also have to get painted

by Jeb and You can only keep Jebs.

Mike: Okay, can I know what you're gonna paint?

Adam: You, but you're gonna be turned around in the

shower like my self portrait.

You're Hold

Mike: on.

You're You're You're gonna take Take my fo You're gonna take my face, and

on my face you're gonna point You're gonna paint a picture of me Blair

Witch ing it in the in the shower?

Adam: I did not see that movie, I was in office at the time.

Mike: Oh, it's a good one, you gotta check it

Adam: out.

I did, it was awesome.

I had Colin Powell hide that from me to protect me, cause I was

really scared of the Blair Witch.

Mike: There's a scene where there's a guy staring in the

corner, and it's very scary, is that what you're gonna make me do?

Adam: No, have you ever seen my self portrait?

Let me show you on my phone, I've got a Blackberry from 2004.

So it's a painting of me from behind, in the shower, facing the shower

wall, and you can see in a little, like, shaving mirror, my face.

Yeah.

I'm not facing.

Now that I look at it.

No, there it is.

There it is.

There it is.

I found it.

I found it.

There it is.

Here.

I'm putting it.

I'm handing it to you in the chat.

Mike: I, so.

Alright, so.

Okay, so.

Adam: Listen.

Can I paint you?

Can I paint you?

Can I paint you?

Alex: Let him paint you.

Alright.

Mike: That's fine.

That's fine, as long as you put the mirror in there, so you still

get a view of my face, just like in your picture right there.

Adam: It will look exactly like mine.

Okay, just sign this?

Mike: Yeah, you got it, yeah, there you go.

Alright.

Adam: Alright, Jeb, we got one.

I'm Jeb.

Mission accomplished, let's go!

Hey, Jeb.

They run away across the quad, towards the hostage situation.

Mike: There's

Adam: So anyway, Mike.

Mike: Okay, Bob, that went entirely off the rails.

I'm sorry for that like 20 minute detour.

Uh, we were talking about getting you late, I believe, before the

president so rudely interrupted us.

Adam: Yeah, yeah.

So can you help me?

Can you help me lose my virginity so I don't go back to hell?

Yeah,

Mike: yeah.

Sorry, that was just And I gotta tell you, Mike.

That I had to take in.

Adam: And I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, Mike.

Yeah, Bob.

I spent three and a half, three years and one semester at Sarah

Lawrence already trying to get laid.

Ah, son of a bitch.

So I am, I only have another, whatever the rest of the semester

is, I know commencement is coming up.

So, and I know this school, just so it's not locked into any sort of particular

time, I know this school does a lot of commencements throughout the year.

So it's not that we're almost at the end of, say, the commencement season,

but there is a commencement coming up.

So I feel like the semester is drawing to a close.

If I don't get, lose my virginity by the end of the semester, that's it.

Mike: I understand.

I also know how the calendar works.

So you don't, I don't know why you need to explain the commencement thing to me.

Adam: I'm sorry.

Mike: Okay.

It's okay.

Um, yeah, no.

Okay.

So first of all, Trifocals are a lock.

You're sure on those?

Adam: I mean, if you can get me trifocal contacts, I, I get, I can see, I get

my contacts from one 900 contacts.

So I get on the phone and it's a sexy lady and I pay a dollar a minute to

talk to her and order contacts from her.

Um, yeah, yeah.

Do, will you be willing to do that for me?

Sure, yeah, that's

Mike: no problem.

Adam: Hi, thank you for calling 1 900 CONTACTS, can I

have your credit card number?

Mike: Yeah, it's, um, it's, it's 8 6 9 4 4 3 4 1 7 2 8 4, uh, 5.

Adam: Alright, pretty sure that's too many numbers, but I'll

patch you through to Thank you.

Belinda.

Alex: Hi, this is Belinda.

Mike: Hey Belinda, uh, I need

Alex: What are you seeing?

Mike: Nothing right now.

'cause I need contact.

Alex: Sounds like you need some.

Mike: That's literally what I just.

Alex: Well, hon, if you can give me your credit card information, and address,

I suppose I could send that over.

Same number.

Sorry, I'm

Adam: still on the line.

Just remember, sir, same number.

Exactly the same.

Dude,

Mike: you're a creep.

You gotta get out of here.

I'm sorry, it's

Adam: my job.

I'm listening for quality control.

Okay, goodbye.

So,

Mike: shit, I just dropped my, my credit card went down the drain.

I think there was a four in there.

Um, uh,

Alex: Yeah, that's That's definitely one of the numbers.

Mike: 7541439005?

Alex: Okay, so that went through.

So that was someone's credit card.

So that works.

I'll take it.

Mike: I'll take it.

That's great.

Yeah.

Yeah,

Adam: I got a delivery for a Mike H. It's from 1 900 CONTACTS.

Mike: I don't know who Mike H. I don't know who Mike H is.

I was looking for Mike I's delivery.

Adam: Oh, yeah.

Didn't you just change your name?

You're right.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Literally last episode, actually.

Adam: Yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

It had old.

You really got to talk to Chase about that.

You got to update your card information.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're not.

They're never good at this.

Sorry, you're not with.

Chase you're with please get away from us bank, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Mike: Yeah, that's all Chase wouldn't take me.

Adam: And that's Mike EYE.

Mike: Close enough, I'll take it.

Adam: Because it's context.

I'm sorry I'm just having a little we have fun at IPS.

All right, I gotta go.

Mike: Great.

All right, Bob, try these

Adam: Okay, do you have any solution or should I just raw dog it?

Mike: Just just pop them in

Adam: My god, I can see so clearly.

Okay.

How did you get the right?

I didn't even give you my prescription.

How did you get this?

I had

Mike: lucky

Adam: guess.

Okay,

Mike: so that's number one.

We got that done.

Am I beautiful now?

You're you're a step on the way You're a step on the way.

We gotta work on your outfit.

Do you have anything?

I'm wearing your clothes Yeah, I Yeah, it just doesn't, just doesn't work.

Could you just like, I don't know, put on like a button up or something?

Like something respectable.

Adam: I think if I mean do you have time?

I know we're trying to get to a class right now, but I think we have

time for a little shopping montage.

Mike: I think we entirely missed it.

I think the conversation with the president was just that long.

Oh yeah, that was 50 minutes.

That was a long time, yeah.

Okay.

I think the class is just done.

Adam: Let's go shopping!

Uh, we see them, uh, in a montage, they walk.

Towards the, uh, grand staircase as Yakety Sax plays, and they fall down the stairs

and faceplant, and we flash forward.

Um, oh, God.

I, I'm glad that this fit with the swelling, because this is my

size, and it's gonna, when I heal, it's gonna fit great, I think.

Mike: Yeah, I think so, I think so.

Alright, and, okay, you know how, like, you know how you're not funny?

Adam: Yeah, I know.

Mike: Could we change that just a little bit?

Adam: I don't know.

Could you

Mike: make like a single person laugh today?

You think you think that we can make that work?

Adam: I can try.

Okay, great.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Father.

Yes?

What can Oh, hello, Mike.

What can I do for you?

No, I I'm I'm Bob.

I'm Robert.

I'm a new student here.

Are you sure?

I think so.

Uh, I just wanted to To tell you, to tell you a joke, um, to see

if, if I could make you laugh.

Alex: Well, sure, anything makes me laugh.

Adam: Okay, um,

what are you doing, Mike?

Are you looking

Mike: through a book?

I'm looking through the bushes, I'm looking through the bushes.

Adam: Okay, well, um, so I'm trying to, I'm trying to find somebody to have

sex with me so I can lose my virginity.

Um, father, what, wha Why did the chicken cross the road?

Alex: I've heard this one before.

To get to church.

Adam: We cut to a meeting of priests.

Like a social for priests.

Mike: Blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Adam: Bless you, bless you.

What?

What's black, white, and red all over?

Mike: It's it's a newspaper

Adam: No no no, it's a Bible with communion wine spilled all over it Ha!

Who else?

Who's got one?

Who's got one?

Okay, come on!

Who's next?

Father Daniel, I know you've

Mike: got one I know you have one, come on I got one!

I got one, okay Okay.

Alright, alright, alright.

So two rabbis walk into a bar, and they say, I didn't get

there yet, and they say, Hey!

Hey!

There's a church across the street.

We should go.

And then they become Catholics.

Hey!

One more, one more, one more.

Father, Father Peter, Father Peter.

Alex: I've got one.

Until recently, arch, our masses were without song, until one of the nuns died.

She was an organ donor.

That

Adam: was a really good one.

That's, that's an actual funny joke.

Mike: That's an actual joke, that's a great actual joke.

Peter, Peter, oh the priest started chanting.

Pick Peter up, throw him up in the air, up and down, up and down.

And

Alex: we slowly fade back where we see the father going, Peter,

Adam: Peter,

Alex: Peter.

Father?

Adam: No,

Alex: it's,

Adam: it's Robert.

Oh, yes,

Alex: I am here, yes.

It's Robert.

Hello, Michael,

Adam: uh, Robert.

Um, so, okay, the punchline.

She was an organ donor.

Alex: I'll see you in court.

Adam: What?

Mike, this is not going well.

Mike: Bob, you just gotta try harder.

I don't know what to tell you.

I promise you, I'm funny.

I mean, you're funny.

I mean,

This just isn't going well.

This just isn't, this just isn't great.

Oh my god,

Adam: Mike, look.

It's Lenore.

She sat next to me in biology the other day and I was really picking up a vibe.

Mike: Dude, you gotta, you gotta go for it.

You gotta go for it.

Will you come with

Adam: me?

Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll show you.

I'll show you what to do.

Yeah, we'll do that.

Yeah, come on.

Come on.

Let's go.

Adam: Yeah, show me what to do and then I'll do the same thing.

Mike: Because as we've established.

Yeah, exactly.

This is great.

Alex: Alright, let's go.

Lenora, Lenora, Lenora.

Hey, Lenora.

Oh, hello Robert and hello Robert.

Adam: No, that's, that's Mike.

That's my friend,

Alex: Mike.

I can't, don't believe we've had the pleasure, Mike.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, well, it is a pleasure.

So, Robert, where were you in class the other day?

I missed you.

Adam: Oh, well, Mike was showing me around campus, uh, you know,

showing me all the cool spots to, um, casually lean, and, um I see that.

Did he show you my dorm room yet?

No, he has not shown me your dorm room.

Alex: Um, well it's really interesting 'cause they messed

up with the architecture.

Mike: Why?

We wanna go to your dorm room.

It's the same as all the other dorm rooms we've been to them.

Adam: Mike was, Mike told me he's not allowed to go into any of the

other dorms other than his own.

But I, I am, I'm allowed to go into other dorm rooms.

You're kidding.

What, what building are you in?

That's my building.

I just moved in there.

I'm the fourth roommate for Mike and his friends.

I'm the fourth roommate for three, three girls.

Uh, Alex, uh, hey, uh, it's, it's me, Adriana.

Um, have you seen Michelle anywhere?

Hey, we've really got to get, we've really got to record the podcast.

Okay.

Um.

Working really hard producing and editing it, so you just can't, you

can't just show up, Michelle, and expect that, you know, you're not

gonna have to pull your own weight.

Mike: Oh, but come on, I, I, you know, I don't need to worry about it, I got, I got

a shitty microphone, that's all I need.

I watched, listen, how much are you gonna be mad at me?

I watched the episode, okay?

That's all I needed.

Adam: Alright, I don't know why you sound so different, you're in the

same room as us, and yet you sound so

Alex: Alright, alright, sorry.

You know what?

It's time, let's just start the Tanner zone, and let's just get to it.

Adam: So I would, I would really like to see your dorm room,

actually, that would be great.

Well what are you doing right now?

Uh, Mike is, was gonna teach me how to be, um, not cool.

He was gonna just, nothing.

Great, let's go!

Yeah,

Mike: no, you should, wait, well, we were in the middle of a thing here.

We could, I, I, you know, we'll, we'll, we'll stroll this way, that's fine.

And then I'll give you some pointers on the way.

Yeah, we can all go together, right?

Adam: Uh, sure.

Mike, Mike can follow behind us, right?

And we can walk a little bit in front of him, or Walk fast.

Yeah, we'll walk kind of fast.

Um, so, you're looking

Mike: Oh, you guys are Yeah, they break into

Adam: a brisk walk.

So, you're looking I start

Mike: sprinting behind them.

Adam: You look ravishing today, Lenore.

Did someone say

Mike: something about radishes?

Radishes?

I'm allergic to radishes.

I like radishes.

They make me break out in hives.

Mike falls down the

Adam: They reach the grand staircase.

Robert and Lenore confidently stroll down it.

Mike falls down.

And they leave him in the dust.

Alex: Alex shows up out of nowhere.

Well, I guess he's nothing like you, actually, Mike.

I was wrong, and I'm sorry for comparing the two of you.

That guy just got laid.

Adam: Hey, Mike, um, uh, how's it going?

Did you, uh, I don't remember what your objective was this week.

The chili truck is here, so that's exciting.

Uh, what's going on?

Mike: Bob and I are nothing alike.

Let's go get Chili's.

Adam: Sorry, clarification.

It's not the Chili's truck.

It is a truck that is serving Chili.

Loose, by the way.

So you gotta bring your own container or palm it.

Mike: Oh, gotcha.

Mike takes off his hat.

Let's go to the Chili truck.

Chili!

Ch ch ch ch chili!

We

Adam: flash forward to the lawn.

We're walking across it with Our chili, I've got a bowl, Mike's got a napkin.

So, so Mike,

Alex: like, you're serious, George and Jeb?

They were both here, and Jeb was like in my, in blackface.

Adam: What?

Even Jeb wouldn't do that.

Mike: That's what I thought, that's what I thought, but he walked in and he

was all like, I'm Obama, please clap, and it was, it was, it was insane,

it was great, he had to be there.

Adam: Hey, what's going on?

What's going on over here?

What is, what's all these sirens and flashing lights?

What is this?

I don't know.

Mike, isn't that your professor?

Isn't that your French professor?

Oh, yeah.

That's the, yeah.

I swear to God, I'm gonna shoot his fucking head off.

I don't care.

I sold my shit to Disney.

I don't give a fuck anymore.

I have nothing to live for.

What

Mike: about, what about Star Wars 10?

Adam: I'm not involved.

They told me to stop coming by.

JJ won't return my calls ever since I called him Jar Jar.

On accident, it was a Freudian slip.

Mike: George, George, George, we got, we got, uh,

Adam: we got something very special for you.

Isn't that, that's funny!

Jar Jar Abrams!

That's funny!

Alex: Father Peter gets it.

Adam: I can be funny!

Look at the, look at the Ewoks!

I'm funny!

Ewoks!

Hilarious!

What, what

Mike: Ewok suck.

The Ewoks were not good.

Adam: The fuck are you talking about?

Who, what, what?

You said someone's here to speak to me.

Mike: Yeah.

Yeah.

It's, it's the president of Disney himself.

It's, it's

Adam: Bob Iger.

Mike: Tim.

Oh, I was gonna say Tim Cook.

Yeah.

It's Bob Iger.

Adam: It's Tim Cook.

Tim Cook.

Mike: And Tim Cook.

And Bob Iker are both here.

Here you go.

Hi, I'm Tim Cook.

George, George, it's Bob.

Uh, listen, I, I know that you are, you are scared and you are, we don't

want you to shoot Hayden Christensen because he pulled well with the fans.

You can

Alex: shoot someone else.

That's fine.

But Hayden's gotta go.

Bob.

Bob.

How did I

Adam: pull with the fans, Bob?

Alex: Yeah, pretty shitty, actually.

You didn't pull at all.

Adam: Well, you know what?

If they don't want George, Then they're not gonna get Hayden either.

I'm gonna take this guy out.

I don't care.

No,

Mike: don't do it.

Don't you, don't you dare do

Adam: it.

We hear a sniper.

A sniper takes George out right in the temple.

His head explodes.

Uh, we pan up to the top of the book depository.

Mike: Pause.

We zoom in on, on, uh, on George's.

Adam: We pan up to the book depository where we see Harrison Ford holding a

sniper rifle and dressed as Indiana Jones.

Mike: Harrison Ford cocks his gun just like.

Guess I'm out of that contract now, motherfucker.

Adam: Oh my god!

Was that, Mike, was that George Lucas?

Was George Lucas teaching your class?

Mike: I don't think so, he had a French accent.

Adam: Oh, okay, must just be a coincidence.

Oh, it must be George, it must be George with an S on the end.

You know how the French do.

They love that

Mike: extra S.

Adam: Alright, well, what do you guys say we, uh, this is a nice

little grassy knoll here, why don't we do the podcast right here?

Mike: Yeah, we should be far enough away where the sirens won't,

uh, interfere with the podcast.

Adam: So what do you say we get down to it?

Mike: All right, pop it open.

Adam: Let's get to it, boys.

All right, let's pop it open.

Hey, welcome back to the Barone's Zone.

We're talking Season 4, Episode 7 of Everybody Loves Raymond, Cousin Gerard.

This is a legendary episode.

This is the first appearance.

Of Cousin Gerard, who's gonna appear on a bunch of episodes coming up.

I don't know the exact amount.

I guess I could find that out.

Uh, what'd you guys think of this episode?

Alex: Uh, an absolute dream.

I love this character.

I love this actor.

Uh, he's got the same, like, Ray isms going on.

I think he was the perfect choice to kinda, uh, kinda hold this up to a mir

hold Ray up to a mirror of himself.

I liked that, uh, they kind of went a little bit meta with it at some

point probably calling out some of the complaints about Rey the character

they've heard over the years.

Uh, I think it's really cool.

And, um, I don't know, this is just one that just feels iconic

even before thinking that it's

Adam: Fred Stoller, uh, who plays Gerard was on seven episodes.

I just looked it up.

Mike, what did you think?

Mike: I agree with Alex 100%.

I think that, um, this episode was, it's iconic for a reason,

hilarious all the way through.

We've had a really good run of episodes recently.

Um, before this was Sister, what was the one before The Sister?

The Sister?

Blanking.

Uh,

Adam: Sex, uh, The Will.

Sex talk, you bet, the can opener, boob job.

Uh, yeah, a great run.

I think all of the episodes in season four have been strong so far.

Mike: Very, very strong, yeah.

Cousin Gerard was great.

Um, it felt, I've kno I thought about this while we were watching this,

and, um, there was a reference to, uh, something weird that Ray did with

Gerard when he was seven, which we never find out what exactly it is.

Yeah.

Adam: I wanted to bring that up.

Mike: Yeah.

Um, but in that moment, yes, it was funny because haha, what weirdness

could a seven year old possibly do?

But also I thought, wow, this just, they just really just straight

up do a very good job mocking.

All aspects of family because we all have that weird cousin or otherwise are

that weird cousin that we, uh, have, you know, that, you know, you hang out

with them, not that you don't like them.

They're still family.

It's but, you know, it's a little bit harder to have a conversation

with them as opposed to others.

So, uh, yeah, I think that they played that really well.

It's the

Alex: one when you hear they're not coming.

You're not too sad about it.

Yeah,

Mike: exactly.

So, yeah, I think that, like, I think everybody has that.

If, even if it's not a cousin, you have some family member that is,

that is like that or friend, I guess.

But, um, but yeah, it's a fun dynamic.

I liked this all the way through.

Gerard, I forget you said his act, the actor's name.

I just forgot it.

What is Fred Stoller?

Adam: Fred Stoller does such

Mike: a great job.

being the annoying, uh, uh, guy just playing it up.

That scene in the basement, I felt agitated, uh, for Ray.

It was, it was rough getting through it, but I mean, that's

the sign of a good actor.

So I, yeah, great, great episode all around.

Adam: Fred Stoller, by the way, is a prolific voice actor.

Um, you know, very distinct voice in this episode.

He's done tons of, uh, voice roles, he's been on tons of sitcoms, been

on procedural dramas, kids shows.

Uh, he was on Seinfeld, Friends, King of Queens, The

Nanny, all in this time period.

Like, the mid to late 90s were huge for him.

Um, If you don't recognize the name, you recognize the voice.

You definitely recognize him, and not just because you watched him in this

episode, but he also wrote two episodes of Seinfeld and then wrote a book about

writing two episodes of Seinfeld, as well as another book just about being

a perennial guest star on things.

So, very prolific.

Um, in addition to being an excellent Girard in this episode.

Can I ask you about this basement mystery, though?

Seven is a weird age, because if they were 13, I'd be like, maybe

they experimented in the basement?

But if they're seven, did Ray, like I don't know, like, tie him

up and beat the shit out of him?

Like, what could they have done that would have made Gerard's

basement averse at seven?

Mike: My first thought, cross dressing, but even that doesn't make a ton

of sense in that context because seven is still, I think that if it

was beating up, it would be You're

Alex: very much a child.

Yeah,

Mike: if you're, uh, if you're attacking someone, I feel like it

would be more like, it wouldn't be like, hey, that was weird.

You know, I've never had my nose broken and thought, what a strange experience.

You know what I mean?

Adam: I don't know what it could possibly be though.

Maybe like he made him eat a bug or something.

Like that's possible.

Yeah.

What are other basement things?

Drink from a drain pipe.

I don't know.

Mike: Stick a Lego up your nose as far as you can.

Adam: Yeah.

Like, oh my ego.

Indeed.

Yeah.

I have no idea what it could be.

But it's a, it's certainly a fascinating mystery.

Okay.

Um, so Ray is writing this book about baseball.

Yeah.

And he, Mike, he meant, a couple of players are mentioned, I think.

Yes.

Sandy Koufax, the Iron Whore himself, Lou Gehrig.

Uh, you wanna give us any context here on the players that were mentioned?

So, this

Mike: seems, this seems all over the map.

As a baseball fan, like, I mean, Sure.

Okay.

This is opening paragraphs.

You don't know what actually he's talking about, but Sandy Koufax is one of the

greatest bass pitchers of all time.

No, I believe the other person he mentions is Nolan Ryan.

Also one of the greatest pitchers of all time.

Um, they were both around the same era.

So I was like, okay, maybe the books about pitchers in the, I want to say seventies.

I could be wrong about that.

I know Nolan Ryan pitch.

For the Mets and he had like a billion no hitters, not for the Mets.

Um, but I thought maybe that's where he was going.

But then Lou Gehrig like played with Babe Ruth.

Like it's, it's kind of all over the place.

And Lou Gehrig also was not a pitcher.

So I'm like, okay, all right.

Is he just writing about baseball greats?

In which case, hey, it's not really a great book.

Like, I mean, I could, I go to Cooperstown, I could get better,

better articles than that.

Although I don't know.

So.

We don't have enough information to say what the book is about, but

those are all some of the greatest players of all time, so yeah.

Adam: Hmm, uh, were they all New York players, is that?

No,

Mike: only Lou Gehrig was.

Nolan Ryan played a single, I think maybe two seasons for the Mets, um,

but he's most famously remembered for his time with the Texas Rangers.

Oh, why am I blanking on Sandy Koufax's team?

Oh, I'm gonna look it up because it's gonna bother me,

but my mind went to the Braves.

Um, so I think he's so, so you,

Adam: you could not detect any overarching theme in the book other than baseball

Mike: other than some of the greatest baseball players, baseball,

Adam: Ray Barone's baseball, just an encyclopedic compendium.

Exactly.

Yes.

Mike: Oh, actually, actually, I stand corrected.

I'm sorry.

I should have known this.

Um, he's most famous, uh, he's most famous for his time with

the Dodgers, but he played.

With the Dodgers before and during the transition from Brooklyn to LA.

So I don't associate Sandy Koufax with.

New York, but I guess he technically started his career in Brooklyn.

So maybe it is like people that started their career in New York

and then just Sandy Koufax and, uh, Luke and, uh, Nolan Ryan are like,

ah, but where it could have been.

And then, you know, you have, uh, Lou Gehrig who actually.

It's a New York icon.

Adam: To your recollection, does this ever get revisited in the show, or are

we led to believe Ray started writing a book and then immediately gave up?

Mike: I think this is just an association of what sports writers

do, so we never have this as an overarching, like, big thing.

To my knowledge, maybe there is an episode where they published the book.

Alex: I feel like I've heard of this, like, I remember this, like

him writing a book and like, maybe he does get it published at some

point because this sounds familiar.

Adam: I mean, I don't, I don't remember an episode where like Ray meets with

his publisher, Ray goes to a book signing or Ray, you know, gets a box

full of books delivered to the house.

Otherwise.

I don't remember any mention of this book ever coming up again.

So, I think it would be in character for Ray to start

this and then not continue it.

It's a shame.

I'd hate to see it.

Mike: Yeah, especially because I would read a Ray Romano book.

That's just me.

Not a Ray

Adam: Romano book.

Ray Barone's Baseball.

Mike: A Ray Barone book.

A Ray Barone's Baseball book.

Adam: Uh, uh, highlighter fumes.

Have you?

Uh, that has never, oh God.

Oh, that's, so, I've never like pointedly sniffed a highlighter, but I don't have

any experience of getting through high.

I thought that was kind of funny.

Crude high highlighter.

Yeah.

Uh, well, you know, I'm straight edge

. Mike: I have, I have sniffed highlighters obviously.

Um, I don't know if you can tell by my every vibe about me, but, um.

Uh, but I don't think I've ever actively gotten high off of them.

Like, I mean, like, I, they smell weird, but that's kind of

what my experience of them was.

Alex: Bro, they're called highlighters,

Adam: man.

Bro.

Um, Gerard seems to, it really throws him.

It's like he's, you know, immediately.

Mike: Yeah, well, I think that that was just kind of, I mean, I had, I'm

allergic to everything in existence kind of character being, you think he

Adam: has a particular reaction to the highlighter.

Um, Ray, I noticed, has a Chicken Soup for the Soul mug on his desk.

Are you familiar with Chicken Soup for the Soul?

Mike: I've heard of it.

I don't think I've ever I know it's a book, right?

I'm

Alex: not.

I'm familiar

Adam: with Yeah, it's like a self help book.

Um, my mom had it, I think, when I was a child.

So, interesting that Ray would have that.

Sure, it's like a Debra thing though.

Mike: Yeah.

Yeah, maybe it's a Debra's that feels up Debra's alley.

Yeah,

Adam: is the iron whore a good name?

Nickname for a baseball player.

Mike: So the iron horse because he's he was he never stopped playing.

Um, I would absolutely 110 percent root for a player called the iron whore.

Adam: Yeah So would I it speaks to like a

Mike: That would be what gets Alex into baseball.

They got iron horns?

That would be.

Alex: Honestly, it takes nothing, like, anything less than that is not enough.

It sounds like you've gotta join

Adam: the league, Alex.

Mike: We've had many criminal investigations in baseball.

There have been some terrible, terrible crime sting operations.

Alex is just like You know what?

They're not showing enough skin.

You gotta get some iron.

You gotta get some voice.

Adam: Oh, Mike, you should design a sexy baseball uniform for the MLB.

Like, what would that look like?

Mike: Um, exclusive.

I'll tell you exactly what it would look like.

It would look like Mr. Meth.

That's the sexiest person, uh, mascot in existence.

Adam: Alright.

Asked and answered, um.

Asked

Alex: and answered.

Oh my god, I love it.

Uh,

Adam: the audience overreacts to Debra telling Ray that he is a much better

kisser than Gerard, in my opinion.

They treat it like a real smackdown line when really it's just kind of

like a regular laugh line in my book.

Yeah, it's nothing.

It's funny.

It's a good joke, but they're like, oh Shit, fuck she wrecked him.

Alex: It's over.

He's done for

Mike: Yeah, I got flash ahead There's a subtle joke that when Ray revisits

the basement after the meeting with his parents after Uh, when, when he goes

down, when Gerard goes down there for the second time, just before basically

Gerard rage quits and walks out, he's playing the accordion, he's playing Smoke

on the Water on the accordion, and just the iconic bass line, like, uh, just,

that's it, over and over again, there's a small writing on the accordion that

says, um, I want to get this right, hold on, uh, I wrote this down because I was

like, that's, that's a great subtle joke.

It was, uh, Polka Ain't No Joker is written on the accordion.

And I thought that was great.

I love

Adam: that.

Uh, that is great.

Uh, Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple.

If you want to know the name of a second Deep Purple song, just a quick fun

fact, if you want to know the name of a second Deep Purple song to whip out

during, um, conversations about Smoke on the Water, Space Truckin That's

space truck and more like space fucking.

Mike: Is that a good song or are you just giving me more, uh, giving me more trivia?

It's

Adam: okay.

It's no, it's not iconic like Smoke on the Water is that it would show up in

an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

I don't know how it did on the charts, but it's, uh, I have heard it before.

Do you think Fred Stoller did his own accordion playing in that scene?

Mike: Yes.

I do.

I think that he has a Weird Al vibe to him.

He definitely knows how to play the

Adam: accordion.

Weird Al vibe.

Pretty narrow vibe, accordion.

Mike: Yeah.

Uh, I also wanted to just point out, um, as much as, as funny as it was

to have all of his family members just rag on him for being annoying,

let's be, let's be real about it.

Rey is not as bad as Gerard.

He's nowhere near as, as irksome as Maybe it's

Alex: just cause we're used to him, Mike.

Mike: I can't believe that.

I can't believe that.

I think that if any human being were to tune into this episode,

they'd be like, Oh, Gerard sucks.

Rey isn't that bad.

Adam: They are so mean to Gerard.

After he leaves the room to deal with his incontinence.

They are horrible to him.

Yeah, who could just be that mean to someone who's just that

Alex: pathetic?

Adam: Who could just make fun of somebody week after week who's

just doing their best and really is a valuable member of the team.

I mean family, um, podcast.

I mean family, um.

But yeah, they're really tearing into him, and then I don't think they give

Ray as hard a time Um, as they do Gerard.

It seems like the main difference between Ray and Gerard is Gerard

has actual medical problems, or he's a hypochondriac Um, and Ray

is just, uh You know, a complainer.

Mike: Alex, did you have something?

I'm sorry, I felt like I cut you off at one point.

Alex: No, I mean, you probably did.

Uh, there was not too much else I wanted to cover.

Uh, I love, love, love the scene where, um, like, Robert, uh, Frank and Marie

kind of come to the realization that Ray is a lot like Gerard, not because

like they connect the dots, but because Ray connects it for them and it kind

of like they kind of call out the thing that Ray does that fuels the conflict

in every other Everybody Loves Raymond episode where everything would be fine

if Ray just didn't go to his parents house and ask them something that Deborah

told, told him like the night before.

Adam: Yeah, Robert says he has to pull the world, even though

Alex: Debra already

Adam: literally

Alex: told him.

Good, uh, that was a great, uh, way of saying that.

Adam: Uh, he says, we were just having a conversation, when Gerard

comes in and, like, derails it, we were just having a conversation about

something else, but sure, we can stop and address your concerns, Gerard.

He looks to Ray.

That is, in a nutshell, the entire dynamic.

I also wanted to That was a great scene for Robert.

Mike: Oh, it was a fina All around great.

I loved the, the pause immediately.

Hidden Gray's like, Yeah, the synchronized pause.

Everybody just dead stops.

The, ah, such a great, such a great moment.

Um, yeah.

Adam: Yeah, that made me laugh.

The, uh, back

Mike: on the hooks line also gets me every time I watch this episode.

Um, that's another really fun one.

Mm hmm.

Uh.

Back on the hooks.

Yep.

Alright everybody, back on the hooks.

Uh, the other one that I really quite, the other moment that I really

quite enjoyed, it's the hot clothes.

I know I'm bouncing all around, I'm sorry, but to call out

the hot clothes for a second.

That's fine.

Yeah, that's fine.

Where Ray comes back with notes for everybody, like a

fucking psychopath, by the way.

Like, what the hell are you, uh, doing?

Yeah.

Adam: But

Mike: he, he has the notes and all that.

He goes.

To Robert, and just starts rattling off all the things that are weird.

Robert, the king of self confidence, just being like, What do you call it when

you tap your, tap the food to your chin?

And he's just like, great.

I'm like, just, amazing.

If I was famous,

Adam: everyone would be doing it.

Um, yeah, he has rebuttals for everything.

Being over at Marie and Frank's all the time.

Being a devoted son, touching his chin, quirky, his feet smell,

laughs at Ray, you're grasping.

And then,

Alex: That was, that made me laugh.

Mike: And then he stands up to defend his, uh, wife.

Or his girlfriend.

Adam: Yeah.

Ray says his laugh is annoying.

Robert says Amy thinks it's cute.

Ray says she's annoying too.

And Robert immediately jumps up ready to beat the shit out of him.

Ray scampers away.

That made me laugh.

That was fun.

Yeah, that was good.

Mike: So, so we think that if Ray stays, Robert knocks his teeth out, right?

Like we're all in agreement, like that would genuinely come to blows.

At

Alex: the very least, he gives him a shove.

Adam: He yells at him at least, but yeah, it could easily get physical.

Um, right, but yeah, it is insane that Ray comes up with, goes home, simmers

about them agreeing with him that he is annoying, and then makes a list of the

ways that each of them are annoying.

And that annoys them with it.

Crazy, yeah.

Um, in the scene with Gerard, uh, where Ray is trying to work

on him, um, oh, I thought this was a good Debra episode as well.

Like, Debra's portrayal in this was very popular.

P positive.

She was, uh, very positive.

She was teasing Ray about his similarities to Gerard in in sort of a very playful

way, and not like a mean way at all.

So, you know, back off, Deborah haters.

And, uh, in, when Ray comes over after confronting his family, Deborah just

calmly suggests that he work on himself, which Ray then turns around and, uh,

uses it to try to make Gerard less annoying, tries to force him to make

eye contact, to smile, to stand up straight, and to change his pronunciation.

And we get that exchange where they're arguing over how to

pronounce now, now or meow.

Um, and the subtit Alex and I were both watching with subtitles on.

And it really helped.

They did their job.

You got N O W for what Ray was demonstrating, and N E O

W for what Gerard is saying.

So they were really on the ball this time, the subtitles team.

Good job.

Excellent.

Mike: Excellent

Adam: work.

But Ger The cap on that scene of Gerard telling Rey to knock

it off, You're really annoying.

And like, the look on Rey's face.

Yeah.

Probably one of the funniest things I've seen all season.

Yeah, that was hilarious.

Just, and for how long it went on too, hilarious.

Alex: This is, this is such a like a self fulfilling prophecy thing.

That's just like, it's so good.

Mike: I also did love the, um, that back and forth where Ray's trying to

fix Gerard is also just so brilliant.

It's just like the, Hey, do you notice how like that sound can be annoying?

Yeah, I guess.

What's your point?

Um, uh, and, and also the make eye contact and then he grabs the shin to the.

You said I wouldn't have to do anything weird, just such a big weird.

Alex: Yeah, yeah, maybe that's what they had to do when they were seven.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe they looked each other in the eye and didn't like it.

Adam: And Gerard's just been avoiding eye contact with everyone ever since.

Um, yeah, no, just a really great episode overall.

There's one more thing that made me laugh way back in the first Gerard scene, um,

where, uh, Gerard leaves after, um, I can't remember how Ray got rid of him,

but Gerard leaves, Ray is frustrated, and he grabs the highlighter, pops

the cap off, and takes a whiff of it.

Um, just out of complete frustration.

That also made me

Alex: laugh.

That's a great little joke.

Absolutely.

Adam: Okay!

Let's, uh, turn our attention to the classic barometer.

That is our rating scale on which we rate Ray's performance as husband,

brother, son, father, cousin, uh, author.

Uh, with ten being the great dads of sitcom history, Danny Tanner,

Uncle Phil, Carl Winslow, uh, and one being the bad men of television,

Don Draper, Walter White, men who actively harm their families.

Alex, where is Ray coming in for you today?

Alex: Oh my god, Ray!

This is like, I, I, like, I feel like this is the most classic Ray I've ever seen.

Like if I, if anyone ever came to me and asked me what, describe

Ray Barone to me in one episode, I would show them this episode.

Like he's got like the huge insecurities.

Um.

I, of course, I don't think Ray is as annoying as Gerard.

Uh, I don't think he's as needy as Gerard.

He might be if he didn't have Debra and the kids.

Uh, we don't know what he was like before then, really.

We haven't seen too much of that.

Um, but, uh, just like his absolute inability to let this go, just

like a passing comment made by his wife, uh, led to his own downfall.

In all honesty.

He didn't really end up hurting anyone except himself, but my

God, what a blow he gave himself.

Uh, I guess he kind of annoyed cousin Gerard, but I mean, there was only

one, like there, there weren't many ways that was going to end well.

Uh, so like as, as a, you know, father, husband, like all that stuff, like

he's fine just as, as a human being who should take care of themselves.

Like, I gotta give him, like, a three and a half.

Mike: Oof,

Alex: alright, Mike?

Mike: Yeah, he's also getting low from me.

Um, I, I agree with Alex in basically all of that.

This is entirely self caused, entirely self sabotage.

Um, his reaction is very immature, all that stuff.

The only he, I, I also actually don't know if I agree that the

only person he hurt was himself.

I think he also Burned a bridge between Marie and her sister.

Have we seen the sister before?

Adam: We saw, I don't know what her relation to Aunt Alda

was, and I wish I was Gus.

She was, she had, she was feuding with some relation in that, I don't

know if it was her sister or not.

I'd have to look back and find that out.

But, I don't think so.

I don't think we know, um, Jirard's mom specifically.

Gotcha.

Mike: Well, I think that he also, so yeah, he hurt people, he, well, he

hurts himself more than anyone else, but still, he was annoying, he was

insecure, blah blah blah, all that.

I'm gonna give him 3.

1. 3. 1. Go give him

Alex: 3.

1. Wow, specific.

Mike: Yeah, gotta get away from the fives.

Make some other numbers happen here.

How about you Adam, what you thought?

Adam: Well, Anne Alda, just to clean this, clear this up,

Anne Alda is Marie's sister.

However, uh, She does not, according to the Everybody Loves Raymond wiki,

does not appear to be Gerard's mother.

So Marie must have multiple sisters.

Gotcha.

Uh, is the only conclusion we can draw.

Okay, you said 3.

1? Mm hmm.

Okay, I'm sort of in the same ballpark as you guys, Ray Barone's ballpark,

which would be a good name for his book.

Um, I think he was, yes, very, Cruel to himself by letting himself get all

hung up on this Really minor thing very mean to Gerard for you know, really

just being himself He's not doing that much Terray that is worth this treatment

or worth just this complete like Disgust that the family throws at him.

Yes.

He's clearly annoying, but you shouldn't you know how to You

know, interact with him by now.

You're almost 40 years old at this point, or you are 40 years old.

Um, so he's just a real asshole and trying to change Gerard injuring

him and his sciatica is, I really want to dock him for all of that.

I don't think he hurt anyone else really, except for at the very end with the

rest of the family, by coming up with a list of things to criticize them about.

Um, so I'll dock him a little bit for that.

I'm actually going to go 2.

7 for Ray today.

That

Mike: locks, locks us in.

Got a lot

Adam: of odd numbers.

Mike: Yeah.

Locks us in for this week at a 3.

1.

Adam: All right.

Uh, sounds right to me, I think.

I agree.

3. 1. Okay.

Uh, on that note then, I guess there's not much else to do, right fellas?

Uh, the, it looks like some storm clouds are.

Gathering above us and we should probably get the equipment inside.

Yeah, yeah, let's keep going.

Um, cause it's only, I think it's rated to be submerged up to six inches.

Yeah.

So, you know, with climate change, this is gonna get a lot more rainfall than that.

Uh, you know what I'm saying?

So, uh, anything you wanna mention or plug before we hop off the podcast

and, and, uh, continue our studies.

I guess

Alex: just the Baroness zonus.

If you want to keep listening to your boys one extra time a month,

uh, hit up our website, postfund.

org, uh, and, uh, give us some money.

It's just a one time payment.

Whatever you want could be a dollar.

Could be 1, 000, could be 10, 000, 000.

Help us retire early.

Adam: Wow, that would be awesome.

If you really like this show and want us to, or if you really hate this

show and want us to stop doing it.

You donate 1, We will get

Alex: these nine seasons done in like a year.

If you

Adam: give us 10, 000, 000.

Yeah, if you want us to, tell us what you want to do because the

incentive is there both ways.

Mike: Wait, hold on.

I got it.

I got the greatest incentive.

If you pay us 10 million, we'll say your name at the end of this podcast.

Adam: Oh my God.

Yeah.

That's so postfund.

org slash donate, pay what you want.

And I think you'll want to pay quite a bit folks.

Uh, and Postfund.

org slash Raymond is where all of those are.

Okay, well from all of us here at the Barone Zone, I guess there's only

one last thing to say, right fellas?

Mike: Absolutely.

Adam: Everybody

Mike: loves

Adam: Raymond

Alex: and we love

Adam: you

Okay, uh, head right on in, uh, sister.

Thank you so much for your service, by the way.

Big guy, huge fan of your work.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Mike: Hello, it's good to see ya.

I'm finally here.

I'm President Jimmy Carter.

Adam: Uh, just hold on, sir. Last name?

You said Carter?

Is that with a C or a K?

Mike: President, that's with a C.

And I got the, I got the word that I'm going to heaven, it's

part of the presidential deal.

Adam: Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.

So you've got a, you've got an asterisk next to your name here, let me just

call up, uh, I didn't do nothing wrong.

Yeah, Carter, it's Carter.

Okay.

Yeah, so it's, it sounds like,

Mike: is it about Iran

? Adam: No, that's been cleaned up.

That's been cleared up.

You're fine.

Oh, okay.

Everyone knows it wasn't your fault.

We all know nobody blames you.

Alright.

No, it's all on the Ayatollah.

Believe me, he is not here.

. That would be crazy.

Oh

Mike: good.

I don't like that guy.

Adam: No, I know, I know.

And the big man does not hold it against you.

The thing is you're, if you wanna come into Heaven, Jimmy.

You gotta give up that peanut farm.

Again?

Mike: What's the problem with the damn peanut farm?

I didn't do nothing to you people!

It's a conflict of interest, Jimmy.

No, it's not!

You gotta be

Adam: kidding

Mike: me!

It's a conflict of interest.

It's a conflict of interest.

You gotta be kidding me!

I better be peanuts in heaven!

I'm sorry.

I swear you gotta supply them sometime!